The Sunset Blanket

Since my husband and I started discussing growing our family, I would always get excited “shopping” for baby items. For years, that shopping has looked more like putting items in my cart online, and closing the tab, only to go “shopping” again a few days later. I have been doing this pattern for years, and like my own style, my style for my kids has changed. Except for this blanket.

For years, I have had my eye on this quilted childrens blanket. It is rusty orange on one side, while the other side has an artistic mountain range with a fading sunset. I love this blanket, and have wanted it since I saw it for the first time nearly 4 years ago!

I have imagined myself preparing to use this blanket as the inspiration for a nursery one day, wrapping up our babies in this blanket, and watching our young toddlers drag this blanket through the dirt. As I have imagined have children, I have imagined this blanket as weird as that may sound. With each failed cycle when trying to conceive naturally, I stopped looking at this blanket. As much as I have had tears fill my eyes when looking at our empty spare room which is meant to be a nursery, and the feeling of being less than as all my dear loved ones have embraced their own children, I have had hope I would get this one day, and if not I would be content with God’s purpose for me family.

Now that we have this opportunity to pursue this adoption, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness and feel so supported by the love poured out to us, yet I still have had a slight obsession with this little blanket. Why?! I have bigger things to worry about, and much more important tasks than staring at the “check out” button on this website with a quilt sitting in my shopping cart. For so long, I have attached my excitement of starting a family to this cloth, and it brings anticipation and happiness. I have longed for this excitement for so long. I have longed for this blanket for so long.

As we have started this process, it has been difficult to stay excited, as there are so many fears that I have mentioned in prior posts. I have gone through waves of emotion, one that has not occurred often is the excitement I ought to feel. So as I have had tears in my eyes or not getting to hold these future children, my husband said something that I will recite every day during this process, and hopefully daily for myself and kids. “Our children deserve a hopeful mom. Our children deserve a family that is excited for their arrival and all of the obstacles that they may bring.” He could not be more right, our children deserve to have a mother that is hopeful, and excited for them to arrive. I need to trust that whatever happens, we showed our children we have hope and unconditional love for them. He has encouraged me in that excitement, and he bought me this blanket.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this, with this blanket draping my lap, and with eagerness in my heart. This blanket arrived yesterday and I won’t let a day go by without glancing at it with a slight pinch of fear, and a wave of excitement. I am preparing to use this blanket as the inspiration for a nursery. I am looking forward to wrapping up our babies in this blanket, and watching our young toddlers drag this blanket through the dirt. I get to reflect on this hope and excitement every day. I know this is such an insignificant item that I have relied too much on, but what an amazing visual and tangible thing to lean into as we prepare to welcome these babies into our home.