Unguarded Heart

As my husband and I began to consider Snowflake adoption more seriously, we began to feel the weight of the idea that our potential future children were currently sitting in a freezer being totally abandoned. The weight of all 1.1 million children sitting in a freezer waiting until their “expiration date” came so they could be totally forgotten caused more tears than I’d care to express.

As the realization came, that we were pulling the trigger and attempting this, what I thought I would feel was completely non-existent, and in a sense is still not as apparent as I would like it to be. I thought I would feel excited, hopeful, and eager. However, once we gave our “let’s do this” affirmations I quickly was filled with dread, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. There was even a point where I told my husband I was not sure If I actually wanted to pursue this. All of my fears and anxiety are rooted in failings, and lack of trust in our sovereign God.

What if we lose all of our babies? What if the transfer fails? How will we navigate the relationship with the biological mother? How will my body react to the hormones? How do we get a support system when we don’t know anyone else who has done this?

These questions have flooded my mind for months, and I have dwelt in the idea of loss, and mourning those we very well could lose. This will be brought up many times in the future I’m sure, but trying to keep my expectations realistic made my heart very vulnerable to this hurt and grief.

We started looking for families to meet that have gone through this experience, so we could ask questions and begin finding a support group. We found a wonderful family a couple states away, who were sweet enough to share their time and open up about their experiences. They have done this adoption multiple times, experiencing much grief. My heart aches for this family still, but they said something that opened my heart so much more than I could imagine. When they lost their third snowflake they said “but in another very real and very deep sense, this isn’t failure. It's a success. They are free. They have a family. They are cared for and missed. They have parents and siblings who are grieving their passing. Giving them a home was the whole point. It’s never been about building our family into our idealized vision. It’s been about loving orphaned children and welcoming them into our arms.”

Their family has such a love for these children, and their losses have true mourning, but the hope their family has brought us is unimaginable. They have an album I have continued to listen to on repeat for the last 6 months, and it still brings tears to my eyes as it talks about every emotion I have been feeling. In the song Unguarded Heart it discusses feeling so many emotions of fear, grief, anger, and not being able to offer this little baby anything but hope; if you can even call it hope.

“So to the smallest child, I have ever known. You may be my breaking, or greatest joy. But I give you all I have to give, I will love you with unguarded heart.”-Unguarded Heart, The Snow is Red

Those children. My children are already so deeply loved. We have mourned the position they have been placed in, and we will mourn again if they do not make it through their winter. But our valorant babies deserve to be so deeply loved by their mother. I will always have fears when it comes to my future children, but these babies deserve hope. We have a sovereign God who may be glorified in our faithfulness, even if it results in suffering.

This album has helped me come to the highlighted realization of my human nature, to put my selfish desire before these children, and it highlights this for many other families, at the cost of their other children’s lives. It speaks from the embryos perspective at one point, showing even though these are not cognitively formed humans, they are still human beings.

“ I was born of one who loved me, but begotten by a man who didn't care. I was frozen and forgotten, the sins of my parents I still bear. And I saw fourteen winter’s come and go, through the plastic window that became my prison. But this is the first my eyes have seen the snow, the first my heart could skip a beat or two.

I'm the fortunate minority, who found the warmth and care of a mother’s love. All my brothers, all my sisters, who never felt a human’s touch. They are held captive in an icy cage, shackled by the chains of modern “healing”. Their the cost of making families, the human sacrifice to greater good.”- Fortunate Minority, The Snow Is Red

These children are not the “cost of making families”, they should not be “the sacrifice to greater good”. These children need love and warmth, and for my husband and I to have the opportunity to let them feel a human beings touch for the first time after seeing winters pass by for years, is something I long to see come to pass one day. The chances of this adoption and process being successful in terms of holding our babies here on Earth are on average around 70%, so not terribly low, but also not the best chances either. However the chances of this adoption being a success whether we have living children or not is 100% because our duty is to try and rescue those babies and even if for a brief moment, we can know they were remembered. Loved. Warm.

“Rescue me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,

from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man.

For you, O Lord, are my hope,

my trust, O LORD, from my youth.

Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;

you are he who took me from my mother’s womb.

My praise is continually of you.

I have been as a portent to many,

but you are my strong refuge.

My mouth is filled with your praise,

and with your glory all the day.

Do not cast me off in the time of old age;

forsake me not when my strength is spent.

For my enemies speak concerning me;

those who watch for my life consult together

and say, “God has forsaken him;

pursue and seize him,

for there is none to deliver him.” -Psalm 71:4-11

If you would like to hear more of the album The Snow Is Red by LoveJoy you can find it on all music streaming services such as spotify, apple music, youtube, and more. I encourage you to listen to the 6 songs from 6 different perspectives in the IVF process, I pray it helps you as much as it has me. Thank you to this very special family for helping pray and encourage us in this journey.