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“Let’s do this”. When my husband and I said “okay.. Let’s do this” to each other in agreement to pursue snowflake adoption fully. I instantly felt a pit in my stomach, and my brain was telling me to retreat, retract my statement, and never mention it again. Why? I have desired to grow our family for the longest time, and our desire to try and rescue these babies has been unrelenting. So why did I feel this way? Why do I feel this way? Why do I currently feel this way?
I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt for not getting butterflies nor a feeling of excitement. Rather, I feel this sense of dread and all encompassing fear. This fear has taken over my feelings of excitement of having tiny little babies to call our own and join our home very soon. It has taken us a long time to get to this point, and I want to enjoy this moment, but right now my heart is discouraged, fearful, anxious, and very vulnerable.
My discouragement- We have so many families, friends, and brothers and sisters in Christ that are lifting us up in prayer, providing encouragement, and supporting us in this adoption. So, why do I feel so discouraged? I think I am more discouraged with myself and my own selfish desires. Although we have always wanted to adopt, part of me was so excited to see biological children in our home, to be able to look at our children and try to determine what features came from which parent. By going forward with this adoption, my heart hurts over the idea of giving that up, even though it may be only momentarily. I know my husband and I’s journey of trying to conceive will not end with this adoption, but to stop trying for biological children momentarily feels like a strong reality I did not know I was not prepared for. I am discouraged over missing out on all of the “firsts” other couples get to experience. Finding out you're pregnant, seeing the shock on your parents faces when they find out they are going to be grandparents, I don’t get that. In this adoption, we get to physically watch the implantation occur, we know we are pregnant the moment it happens. That in itself is a beautiful opportunity I get to witness that many others do not get to, but being so open with our support system, feels as if I am missing out on a lot of those magical moments of announcement. Although those feelings are incredibly minor, they are what I feel.
My fear- This process has a strong likelihood that it may not be successful. We could be blessed enough to carry all of the embryos we choose to implant, but we also have to come to the realization we may lose some or all of our children during the implantation period. The idea of losing our children is not a thought any mother desires to experience, but the thought feels inevitable. Both my husband and I have had many late nights full of tears and mourning over all of the children that have been abandoned, or left to freeze. However, now our view of 1.1 million embryos has shrunk down to a much smaller scope of 3 specific babies. Our 3 specific babies. These babies do not have names yet, they may not physically be with me, in fact they are across the country. But they are alive and present, locked in a freezer with a 100% chance of dying if left in those freezers, or a 40% chance of dying in the attempt to save them. My odds of holding my babies in my arms do not feel like they are in my favor, nor do they feel fair. My dear husband has compared it to attempting to rescue children from a burning building, and in our attempt not all of them make it out alive. This analogy is helpful in knowing our attempt, but these are not random children anymore, they are my children, which makes the analogy a little less comforting than originally intended. I believe the fear for safety in my kids is something that I will always have, even as they get the opportunity to grow old. But right now, this is my fear and as we get closer to doing our transfer that fear may only continue. Unlike other couples who find out they are pregnant a few weeks after conceiving, I sit in agony after our transfer praying our little ones “stuck” until I can see a positive pregnancy test. That idea simply terrifies me. I know we have a sovereign God, and however this results will glorify him. Putting my trust in Him is so much harder than I would ever imagine, but He is the only one I can put my trust in for this situation.
My vulnerability- Our goal with this adoption is not only for us to grow our family, and attempt to save some of these children, but it's also to educate other families to want to do the same. By doing so, we have decided to be very open in this process, sharing it with many people, putting it on display via social media, and keeping people updated daily. While this is helpful for others, it puts our family in a spot of constant criticism and opens our family up to receive comments that are not always helpful nor comforting. I am typically not a very vulnerable person, and tend to keep my guard up a majority of the time, so to be this open is a very scary thing for me. The convictions towards this are loud, and too many are considered inappropriate; so to be put in a position where it is spoken about so openly worries me for fear or rejection. My fear of strangers' comments and even dearly loved friends' comments does not worry me nearly as much as the relationships that are to develop during this process. I am worried to open myself up to the biological parents, navigating a relationship that is lifelong feels messy and overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, the biological parents are amazing, getting to know them has been such a blessing and I look forward to us continuing to grow closer. But because of this, I never want to offend, hurt, or make them feel as if they have been disregarded. This is not our intention whatsoever, without them we would not get the chance to welcome 3 babies into our home- even if it is only for a moment. Because they are so wonderful, I don’t want to put either of our families in a position in the future that causes hurt or regret. That is many years down the road and I am probably overthinking far too soon, but coming to the reality that this impacts not just my family makes this far more significant than before.
Overall, I am just a ball of every emotion imaginable, but what overwhelms me most is not the excitement, which makes me feel so guilty. My babies deserve to have their mother be excited for their future arrival. A question I need to ask myself multiple times a day, and as we progress will continue to ask is “Who can satisfy these feelings?” The answer is very much opposite from what I have been holding to. It is not myself that can heal these fears, it is not my husband that can comfort this anxiety, but the Lord. He is my strength in this time of weakness, and he will bring peace in my time of need. Here are some of the verses that have comforted me most, and I’m sure as we progress in this process the list will continue to grow.
“Come, let us return to the Lord;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.”- Hosea 6:1
“Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the Lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.”-Psalm 37:1-4
“fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”-Isaiah 41:10
“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”-Romans 8:38-39
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”- 1 Peter 5:6-7
“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.”- 2 Thessalonians 3:16
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