Chapters Change

Since my husband and I have decided to adopt, I have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I have experienced anger, fear, excitement, passion, and sadness. In our journey of trying to start a family, I have also experienced these same feelings over and over again with each new month. However, even though these feelings are nothing new, they are all the more enhanced and sadness has recently been much stronger than the rest.

My husband and I have struggled through infertility since we got married 4 years ago. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which is a hormone disorder that commonly affects fertility due to high testosterone levels and extremely low progesterone levels. Because of this disorder, every single month for nearly 4 years I have anticipated a positive pregnancy test with no luck. Each month has been a cycle of excitement for a new month, actively monitoring all my levels, fear of failing, sadness when seeing a negative result, and anger that we have to start over. Then the cycle repeats itself. To anyone struggling with infertility, my heart goes out to you and I am so truly sorry that you are experiencing that pain. You may also be feeling the same thing I have for many months.

One thing I did not anticipate was the sadness of not experiencing those rollercoasters of emotions anymore. I am so sad over the statement “We are taking a break from trying”, not stating that this adoption is just a replacement, because this adoption in many ways is so much more special than sharing genes. But for so long, we have tried to start our family, and for so long we have put so much effort and hard work into trying to have children. The idea of pausing that for a season to pursue such an amazing opportunity is in ways relieving, and in many others has me lamenting. Through this adoption I can say “I am a mother” even before I am carrying my children, as they are very much alive, frozen, and waiting. I get to watch the moment in which I am pregnant, I get to watch my babies have a home for the first time, within moments of the event occurring. I get to demonstrate that my children are just as much image bearers of Christ right now in their current state, as they are when they are born. I get to experience so much in this adoption, and I already have an overwhelming amount of love for these 3 babies, that all I want to feel is utter joy and excitement.

While I am eager and excited, it feels like a chapter of my life is closing. Granted, we are young and after this adoption we very well may struggle through infertility again, or even for the rest of our lives. But for now, all of the hard work, tears, money, and hope that comes each month is closing, to pursue something so beautiful. It is hard to come to terms that this chapter is closing so a different one may be open. This chapter may open again in the future, as we are certainly not done having children, but this season of “pausing” has hit me harder than I could have ever imagined.

This has never been about genetics for me, I did not desire to have a biological child over having an adopted child. These feelings came attached to the celebration of growing our family, so as I continue to feel very raw with each sweeping emotion, I tell myself “This chapter has not closed, it has transitioned”. This is the same chapter, we are still working incredibly hard to grow our family, we still have that rollercoaster of emotions, and God willing the outcome will include very loved children we get to hold in our arms. So as I lament over the idea of “no longer trying” I celebrate our new pursuit, that I pray may be honorable to the Lord, admirable to our loved ones, and recognized by our children. I can celebrate that very soon I will be able to affirm the statement “I am a mother”, and that lament is replaced with thankfulness to God.