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For years now, my husband and I have wanted kids… a lot of them, and with every negative pregnancy test that we saw throughout the years, that desire just grew. For a while I felt like I had a large void, like we were incomplete without children running around, and I placed the idea of having children in such a position that it quickly became an idol for me. I kept telling myself that I was less of a woman because of infertility, and had such an absurd fear that my husband would want to leave me for someone who could bring him biological children- that was so foolish of me now looking back.
Growing up I knew my body was not working properly, my cycles were extremely irregular and hardly an inconvenience like most women would express, I never understood why the women around me were so upset about something so natural that came once a year… I soon found out that actually wasn’t natural. Once I turned 18 I decided to be my own advocate and get every test you could think of done to try and provide answers to why my body had developed so differently than the women around me. At that point I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, often referred to as PCOS. This is a hormone disorder where your body produces too much testosterone and develops cysts over your ovaries and reproductive system causing a large list of symptoms such as hair loss, weight gain, depression, and often infertility. At 18 this diagnosis made me sad, but the weight of these symptoms did not actually affect me for a few more years.
Hearing that it may be difficult to get pregnant sounds like just words without any meaning at such a young age. Especially when we often hear stories of people getting pregnant so easily, me actually going through infertility was something I simply refused to believe. Well fast forward into nearly 4 years of marriage and I have seen well over 200 negative pregnancy tests, had over a year of medicated cycles that have failed, and stared at sticks facing the light convinced I see a “line”. I did not think this actually happened to people, I did not think people actually went through years of infertility, especially me. This was a heartbreaking, angering thing that made me feel very alone as I was celebrating loved friends expecting their sweet babies and secretly wishing I was in their position. I would snuggle their sweet babies, and come home to an empty spare room I wish I could fill with giggles and late night feedings.
When we decided to move to this adoption, I still felt that sting but it has now shifted to a totally new and unfamiliar feeling of gratitude. For so many years I asked God “why?” and “what is your purpose in this?”, and now I feel stable enough to share how many blessings have come from battling years of infertility.
I have been blessed with a loving husband- He has wanted to adopt for far longer than I have thought about it, and he has helped encourage me throughout all of this. He has been there throughout late nights full of tears over preparing to take this scary step into the unknown. He has prayed for our family and that we would grow our family in a way that is God glorifying. He took months studying this, getting counsel from our church, and making sure it was wise for the both of us to pursue. As we begin the steps to start more of the physical trials of hormone injections, he is strong enough to take care of me when I am in need, and patient enough to endure my crazy mood swings. He truly demonstrates a love for me that I will never deserve. I pray our children recognize this trait throughout their lives.
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:25
We have been blessed with a phenomenal church- Good churches are hard to come by, and I feel like in the desolate state we live in, we have found the goldmine of churches. I have been blessed to be in fellowship with such God fearing and wise brothers and sisters. Our family is in their prayers daily, and I have so many people who have supported us financially, emotionally, and spiritually that I have no words to express the amount of love I have for our congregation. Through these years of trials we have been prayed for often, and I can come to our church (especially the women) and they will both weep and rejoice with me. I wish I had more words to express my love for them, but it really leaves me speechless on how blessed we feel to be a part of this church.
“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”-Hebrews 10: 23-25
We have been blessed with an amazing donor family- If I had a chance to share just a small part of our donor family’s story you would be in awe just as I am. They are in a situation that is so emotionally difficult but they pray, encourage, and support us and our now 3 children. I was so worried about what our relationship with a donor family would look like, and now I feel so blessed to have met them, and raise our kids to recognize these traits as well. Because of this family we have the amazing gift of raising babies we love so dearly, to share this with other people, and eventually educate our children how loved they have been and how great of a gift they are. The fact that God so wonderfully placed our families together is something I won’t be able to explain other than singing “Praise God from whom all blessings flow”!
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.” - Ephesians 1:3-6
I am blessed with a new discovered love for my unrelated children- I get the opportunity to say I am a mother even months before I get the chance to carry our children in my womb. We get the opportunity to watch implantation occur at the moment. And God Willing, we get the opportunity to carry and deliver our adopted children, loving them with the unconditional love any mother has for their own. My children are currently SO loved, and it has nothing to do with genetics. There is a large chance we may walk out of this without any surviving children to hold in our arms, and even yet I love them more than words can explain. And if there is the chance we will not be able to hold them, we can be comforted by the idea that God has still blessed us with strong children and his Will was done for his Glory and we get the opportunity to share our love for them to many other people.
“He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!”- Psalm 113:9
So as I look back and feel a sting from the past pain, and for the future pain. I have tears of joy and continue to thank the Lord for the trial of infertility, for without it I would have not seen some of these blessings and taken so many of them for granted. I am not sure what the Lord has in store for us with this adoption, our transfer of the embryos, and any future children… but whatever it is, it will be beautiful and worth every heartache.
Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8
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